Details make the difference. When I make a second, third, fourth, etc pass on my ms, I'm always on the look out on how I can add details to add dimension. Details are what help to keep our characters and settings from appearing flat and two dimensional.
To demonstrate I'll use THE CAY as an example, re-writing the first two paragraphs here, first without the details, and then again with the details the author, Theodore Taylor, provided.
Like sharks that swim in the sea, the German submarines arrived at night.
I was asleep in our house in Willemstad, on the island of Curacao, the largest of the Dutch island just off the coast of Venezuela. I remember that, in February 1942, they attacked the Lago oil refinery on Aruba, the island west of us. Then they blew up our lake tankers, the ones that still bring crude oil from Lake Maracaibo to the refinery, Curacaoshe Petroleum Maatschappij, to be made into gasoline, kerosene, and diesel oil. One sub was even sighted off Willemstad at dawn.
You get the picture--you can envision this, right? The scene is set accurately. But the author wasn't satisfied with just accuracy. He wanted to paint a picture. He wanted to add depth. So he wrote this:
Like silent, hungry sharks that swim in the darkness of the sea, the German submarines arrived at in the middle of the night.
To demonstrate I'll use THE CAY as an example, re-writing the first two paragraphs here, first without the details, and then again with the details the author, Theodore Taylor, provided.
Like sharks that swim in the sea, the German submarines arrived at night.
I was asleep in our house in Willemstad, on the island of Curacao, the largest of the Dutch island just off the coast of Venezuela. I remember that, in February 1942, they attacked the Lago oil refinery on Aruba, the island west of us. Then they blew up our lake tankers, the ones that still bring crude oil from Lake Maracaibo to the refinery, Curacaoshe Petroleum Maatschappij, to be made into gasoline, kerosene, and diesel oil. One sub was even sighted off Willemstad at dawn.
You get the picture--you can envision this, right? The scene is set accurately. But the author wasn't satisfied with just accuracy. He wanted to paint a picture. He wanted to add depth. So he wrote this:
Like silent, hungry sharks that swim in the darkness of the sea, the German submarines arrived at in the middle of the night.
I was asleep on the second floor of our narrow, gabled green in our house in Willemstad, on the island of Curacao, the largest of the Dutch island just off the coast of Venezuela. I remember that on that moonless night in February 1942, they attacked the big Lago oil refinery on Aruba, the island west of us. Then they blew up our small lake tankers, the ones that still bring crude oil from Lake Maracaibo to the refinery, Curacaoshe Petroleum Maatschappij, to be made into gasoline, kerosene, and diesel oil. One sub was even sighted off Willemstad at dawn.
This version as found in the book tells us all the same things the first version did, but the details added entice the reader, helping him or her to really see it and want to read on.
Here is a scene from THE ADORATION OF JENNA FOX with the details removed.
I wonder how Lily knows a priest in a mission so far from Boston. We reach the end of the cemetery and come to the wall of the church that borders it. Lily pulls open a wooden door, and we slip inside. My eyes adjust and I see a domed ceiling and then a crucified figure. Christ. Yes, Christ. I remember.
Now as the author, Mary E Pearson, wrote it:
I wonder how Lily knows a priest in an ancient mission so far from Boston. We reach the end of the cemetery and come to the great wall of the church that borders it. Lily pulls open yet another large wooden door, and this time we slip inside into cool blackness and the sweet smell of burning candles, mustiness and age. My eyes adjust and I see a domed painted ceiling and then a guilded crucified figure. Christ. Yes, Christ. I remember.
Ms Pearson's use of detail in this passage not only permits us to fully see/smell/taste the setting, it enlists our emotions--we feel Jenna's emotional process of remembering.
Please note that I'm not saying you should just add a bunch of adjectives and adverbs to your text, though some of those may be useful. The point is to create depth and emotion by adding worthy details--details that enhance the writing, not bog it down.
Stay tuned for next week's post on Chapter and Scenes.
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